It’s 5:00 in the morning.
Hints of light, from the streetlights or the moon, I am unsure, hit the
wall on my left in soft fence-like streaks.
I make a hole in the piles of pillows I have stacked all around myself
(I’ve always slept best when situated like a groundhog) and breathe in the cool
air. And out. Another day.
It is then that I reach over to my nightstand and feel around blindly
for my source of morning wisdom.
My cellphone.
My fingers know exactly how to navigate through Facebook,
Instagram, Pinterest, and yesterday’s emails.
By the time 5:10 rolls around, I could tell you whom that quiet, but
oh-so-nice girl from 10th grade is dating. Did you know he’s from Florida and his mother
has this cute little boutique…they’re having a sale now-10% off
everything! And I recently saw her pin
engagement rings on Pinterest…They were kind of expensive ones, so hopefully he
has a decent job…Actually, come to think of it, I think he is in med school, so
they’re probably going to be good there.
By 5:15, I could tell you how to make three different types
of “Super Easy 15 minutes or Less Pies!”
They only require 5 ingredients and there’s a nice video instruction
guide to help you along!
And then, I see her. She pops up on my Instagram feed like the sun
coming out in the midst of a monsoon (I can say that, now that I am living in
Arizona). 150 likes, already? How is that even possible? It would be one thing if I thought she was
posting for attention, but she’s not.
She’s so real. She’s so
wise. I swear she isn’t even trying to
impress anyone. Her life is
just…impressive. She loves the Lord, she
graduated top of her class, she’s breathtakingly beautiful, and she always
knows exactly what needs to be said…and she says it. I would bet she even brushes her teeth twice
a day. She goes on amazing adventures,
fearlessly, wisely, all in the name of the Lord. She shared a piece of morning wisdom and I am
truly inspired.
Time to get out of bed.
I stand in front of the mirror to brush my hair. It’s a Justin Beiber hair day. Whatever.
Throw on a headband. My
toothbrush tastes like last night’s pot roast and mashed potatoes; it was
better yesterday. I brush my teeth
anyway. I brush on the last of my two
dollar mascara, scraping the inside of the tube and applying it in clumps to my
too-short lashes. I look in the mirror and
instead of seeing myself, I see the absence of her.
On my lunch break, I scroll mindlessly through my Instagram
feed. I type in her username. There she is,
with her perfectly assembled cup and a half of gluten-free acai soy yogurt with
chia seeds and pecans imported from Tanzania in a handmade pottery dish, passed
down from her grandmother. She wrote
something inspirational beneath it, and honestly, it kind of speaks to me. I wonder what she will post tonight. I love hearing from her.
I reach into my bag of Doritos. It was all I had time to grab this morning.
Here’s the thing. I
respond to her in two different ways.
Either I talk about her with
some sarcasm, like surely I can’t really think
she’s far superior to me. I try to make
her seem “fake” in order to make myself feel better about my far too real and
average life…but I have noticed that even if I know in my head that only the best aspects of a person are revealed on
social media, my heart aches with insecurities that tell me otherwise. And that is the second way in which I
respond. I respond with jealousy.
And although she is wise and admirable, I am settling for
less than what God intended for me by 1) labeling her, or 2) idolizing her.
Instead of telling myself she is “fake,” why can’t I confess
my own pride to God and rejoice in the fact that she desires to live a life
committed to Him; she does it imperfectly and so do I. She struggles in ways I will never know and
she is just as deserving of grace as I am.
Instead of looking at her and seeing what I am not, why can’t I look at her and see
how BIG her God is. Look at the crazy
life adventures she embarks on and meditate on the fact that her God is worth
sacrificing everything for.
Why can’t I wake up in the morning craving the Lord’s voice,
rather than her interpretation of it? Why can’t I excite myself in seeing the ways
in which God can use me today, rather than relying on her experiences with Him?
Tomorrow, when 5:00 rolls around, maybe I will crawl out of
my nest of blankets, turn off my alarm, and seek out His voice first. And maybe, when I look in the mirror, I will
see a beautifully unique person who God desires to use in a specific and
intentional way for His kingdom’s glory, whether or not she feels qualified or
worthy. Maybe, just maybe, I will
rejoice in the fact that I have sisters in Christ who are out in the world,
bringing people to faith in ways I cannot at this point in my life and instead
of labeling them as anything other than God’s daughters, I will simply rejoice
that He is using them.
