A blog post, posted directly below this one, which I wrote at a winter conference, caught the attention of some of you. I realized that I had written it for myself, as a journal entry of sorts, but God seemed to use the struggles in my heart that I poured out to touch more people. Let it be a testament to His goodness that someone like me could be used in His ministry.
Let me say that sharing and being vulnerable is much easier from
behind a computer screen. I am not
always so terribly open. Writing seems
to bring out that side of me; I really do feel that it is important to share
some struggles, if they can encourage others.
I thought it would only be fair to let you know more of that
journey that I alluded to in my initial post and to share what the Lord is
currently teaching me; we’re still on that same lesson half a year later… As it
turns out, I’m a slow learner. Spoiler
alert: I didn’t discover Sabbath rest
and suddenly quit worrying.
Anxiety is real and it can be a plaguing issue. As I mentioned in my previous blog, it is one
that I have experienced my whole life, more often than I let on and more
severely than I often admitted. Despite
having an incredible family, a wonderful upbringing, and friends that care
about me, I could never seem to shake this feeling of discomfort and fear. While we all worry about what others think of
us, I questioned each sentence that I said. I worried that I wouldn’t be good
enough. When I was not worrying about
something in particular, I still had that churning in my stomach, the
about-to-jump-off-a-cliff feeling, that you should only experience before giving
a public speech or are about to meet the president. I had this feeling most of the time and I
could not identify its cause.
If I am being honest, anxiousness feels like a part of who I
am. I have been told that my chemical
makeup causes me to be a worrier. I
have, at many points, felt like a slave to this fact. I have believed, at my core, that God would
not relieve me from anxiety because it was a part of me.
Eventually, God
brought me to a place where I could no longer handle my nerves by my own
strength. The instance I addressed in
the previous post is a prime example in what was really a series of meltdown
moments that essentially brought me to my breaking point. I decided that I could not live as a slave to
my worries. I begged for relief.
As I grew in my faith in God, I also grew in awareness of my
sinful nature. While it sounds a bit
upsetting, it was in the darkness of my sin that I could see the light and
goodness of God in a whole new way. As
He revealed to me the ways in which my heart was wrong, and different than His,
He simultaneously revealed who He is and what His desires are. Anxiousness had no place in the perfect plan
that God had intended. Nervousness is in my chemical makeup, but only because
our human sinfulness is that deep. He
wants so much more for me. He wants more
for us. He desires for us to have peace
and comfort and He waits with open arms to provide.
Providing looks differently than I had thought it
might. I thought that I would never
worry again. Although I have faith that
God has the ability to completely free me from worry, so far, He has delivered
me in other ways.
Providing for me has meant that God has given me the
humility to seek out people who encourage and help me. He provided those people and equipped
them. He has provided me with wonderful
friends and parents who love me immensely. He has given me bursts of self-control to
say “no” when it is necessary, so that I
only agree to what I can handle.
He has given me the
Holy Spirit, who lives in me after accepting Jesus into my life, to provide me
with the strength to choose JOY each day, instead of fear.
He has assured me that I do not need to be a slave to my
sinfulness. He has given me a million
ways out.
“ The mind governed by the flesh is death, but
the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the
flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those
who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the
flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in
you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to
Christ.” Romans 8:6-9
That does NOT mean that it is easy. Sometimes, my anxiousness creeps up. Sometimes, my worries are logical. Thankfully, the greatest promise that God has
given me is that He does not look at me as a filthy sinner. He looks at me and sees a child of His, who
has been washed clean by the blood of His son, Jesus. He loved me enough to send Jesus to die for
my sins—every worry, every stumble of my heart, every mental meltdown. He took it all.
I still worry. But
God has been faithful. God has provided.
He gives me the strength to wake up and
choose to find joy in Him.
